Alter Egos
e.g., a second self, a trusted friend. the opposite side of a personality, counterpart
There is a feeling in practice over the years
that one is changing, making progress,
or, later, maturing and becoming more aware and mindful
of what is, and of the current moment.
In sesshin practice, one grapples with the koans
Who am I? what is (real)? and so forth.
One can move frequently from ego to an alternate ego
with each period, or even breath.
One can pop out of the current psychic state,
including ego's physical sensations,
widening or even dissolving the space mind labels as "me"
dissolving psychic boundaries, but not ones being.
Examples of alter egos, include
Centerless: open being, light and energy, rapt attention
Body-mind: continuity extending into ground and space
Samadhi: tightly-bound, unbelievably strong forces extending
Complexes: looking backward toward innate, original mind of clear light
Expectant: attention watching in-breath and out-breath
Circulating: moving energy up the spine into head returning down the face and body
Aching: back and legs pains slowly penetrating thinking and/or daydreams
Explaining: self-aggrandizement masquerading as Truth
Relative to my norm of seeking to accomplish, and of
muddled mind, mixed emotions, aches, pains, and angst,
these alter egos seem remarkably simple but deceptive
perhaps like trying one on to see if it all clicks in.
It progressively becomes evident
that all the various stages, improvements, and gaining
are simply alter egos that one believes for some time
but fade and change, particularly within sesshin practice.
Even enlightenment can be an egocentric self-perception
nothing more than being aware differently
which in turn will fade with new self images
and understandings in subsequent years.
The complete perfect enlightenment attained by Buddhas
may include permanent anihilation of ego
but even in openness and attention one still is human
and subject to human needs and processes.
So in terms of practice,
Can you just sit without fixed notions such as I am,
Opening on in-breath, letting go on out-breath,
Accepting and attending to the present presence?
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